Not sure if Bruce Barry is winning my “best metaphor” award or my “worst metaphor” award for this one, but either way, I’m tickled.

The Nashville Scene just published a  great piece by Jonathan Meador (read it here) about some new legislation awaiting Tennessee governor Bill Haslam’s signature.

The article explains that the “Tennessee Integrated Sexual Education Bill” (an incredibly misleading bill title, in my opinion) would prohibit public school curricula from promoting as-yet-undefined “gateway sexual activities.” The bill is designed to keep abstinence at the heart of sexual education programs.

Tennessee statute already demands that sex-ed programs explicitly promote abstinence. The difference in this bill is that it intends to make it “the only permissible focus, despite overwhelming evidence that leaving out open acknowledgment of sexual practices makes sex education less effective from a preventative standpoint.” The article cites an Auburn University study called “Sexual Health of Young People in the South,” which found that the South’s high birth rate and poor sexual health were “due in part to a lack of investment in the region in implementing medically accurate, age-appropriate sexual health education programs.”

The bill’s writers and supporters claim that abstinence only sexual education programs will solve these problems.

Look, let me say on the outset that I absolutely adore living in Tennessee. It’s beautiful, the weather is wonderful, the people here are friendly, the food is good, and it’s got some awesome cities: Nashville, Memphis, Chattanooga, to name a few.

But I am so frustrated with the recent slate of bills that have passed through my state’s legislature. The “Don’t Say Gay” bill sought to restrict the discussion of LGBT issues in public schools, and the “Monkey Bill” (which PASSED) will now allow public school teachers to teach alternatives to scientific theories of creation.

It’s not my style to bash other’s belief systems. At my very core, I believe in a variety of opinions flowing through the public sphere. However, I truly believe that the separation of church and state is an invaluable part of our constitution, and that’s why I can’t stand to see these inane bills get so far in our legislature (and occasionally pass into law).

What you teach your children in the privacy of your own home is your choice and your right.

However, I am so sick of Tennessee’s legislators spitting in the face of reason and sacrificing the health and safety of their constituents in order to force feed religiously fueled dogma into public schools. It is so completely irresponsible to leave the sexual health of young people in the hands of “abstinence-only” education.

High schools kids are having sex, y’all. They just are. You can trust me. It hasn’t even been four years since I left the place myself. Our high schools are TEEMING with sexually active teenagers. Whether you think that is inappropriate is your personal business, but facts are facts, folks. Choosing to ignore them on a wishful whim of sex-less teens can be your beautiful fantasy, but it’s utterly unrealistic and moronic as a sexual education program. I won’t even start on the psychological consequences of teaching pre-teens and teenagers that something their bodies do naturally–a basic biological function–is dirty, unmentionable and shameful.

I’m not at all shocked that this bill is up to be signed. I am, however, completely frustrated and depressed by it. I believe that all people should have age-appropriate sexual education given to them in a way that is accurate and effective. Otherwise, society pays the costs of unexpected pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

Tennessee, I love you, but your legislators are nonsensical idiots.

“The buying and selling of stock by corporate insiders who have access to non-public information that could affect the stock price can be a criminal offense….But, congressional lawmakers have no corporate responsibilities and have long been considered exempt from insider trading laws, even though they have daily access to non-public information and plenty of opportunities to trade on it.”

Am I misunderstanding this ‘surtax’ idea? About the president’s bill, Biden says, “I think the assumption is that they (Republicans) are voting no because of the way we would pay for these jobs, and we do pay for them. We think everybody should pay their fair share, so that’s why we put a small surtax on the first dollar after a person has already made $1 million. That seems fair to us, and it pays for the bill. It’s a small price to pay to put hundreds of thousands of people back to work.”

Brown says about his own bill: “This bill would repeal the 3 percent withholding mandate — it’s a stealth tax that will hit small businesses and contractors starting in 2013. If this mandate is not repealed, then all levels of government will suddenly start withholding 3 percent of payments to contractors that provide any product or service to the government.”

To me it sounds like individual millionaires are going to have to pay this tax, not specific businesses, specifically not “small businesses” which probably aren’t touting millionaire CEOs. Also, why would “all levels of government” be taking 3 percent of profits from contractors (what exactly is a contractor, anyway?) providing ANY service to government, when it clearly states that only those making over one million would be taxed? 

Like I said I don’t know if I’m understanding this correctly but it seems like a bunch of fucking bullshit. 

What say the masses?